He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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