Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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