I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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