from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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