Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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