i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
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Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I deserve this hangover.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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