I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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