the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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