I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize