My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
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Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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