His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
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he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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