He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
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Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
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I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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