I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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