Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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