I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize