everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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