sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize