I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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