He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
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I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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