I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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