Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
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It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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