Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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