that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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