i think my mom watched the whole time
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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