She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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