you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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