There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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