Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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