I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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