We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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