If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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