You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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