I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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