It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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