I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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