i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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