So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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