Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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