So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
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careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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