Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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