A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize