I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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