My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
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I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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