I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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