Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize