What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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