I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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