after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
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