I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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