you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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